The 73rd Virgin

Photo | grumpyelder.com

The media call me a jihad bride, ever since I joined ISIS. Well, I am a jihad houri, whore!? Whenever the brave mujahedeen go out to massacre kafirs, they come back to our haven and find me waiting for them. In this life, I don’t get tired of being screwed by the terrorists because most of them have erectile dysfunction, most of them ejaculate on my thighs even before they can feel the puckering of my yoni. I have the time of my life because when they go to jannah I will be just a by-the way, I know. Can you imagine waiting in the heaven’s longest queue for 72 hours, 72 days, 72 weeks, 72 months, or 72 years to have your turn with the terrorist? That’s ludicrous. Before they go to jannah and have their 72 houri for eternity and ignore me, I am their houri on earth. Those stupid, naïve virgins up there who think that they would be the first to have sex with the brave mujahedeen are mistaken.

I have 72 terrorists who give it to me daily. I have more sex than your grandmother has had all her life. Isn’t that jannah, my jannah? I am enjoying life before I suicide-bomb myself, and the day is nigh.

Are you a nympho? Do you wish the man who gives it to you lasted longer than his trademark thirty seconds, sixty tops? Do you find yourself masturbating long after the shenanigans while he is snoring beside you like a locomotive? Do you go shopping, not for shoes and dresses like regular girls but for dildos?

Well, if you answered ‘Yes’ to all the above questions, you are me. Do you know that you can have sex forever, as in eternal? Yes, you can have, with a man who never gets tired or whose erection never goes limp. But there’s a catch: you have to be voluptuous, round and full breasted, have boobs that don’t sag; big, dark, wide and beautiful/lovely/lustrous eyes, like pearls; be a ka-yellow-yellow, forget the black is beauty bullshit, and if you are dark-skinned ask Vera Sidika the JIK she used; be tall and baby-faced, and your vagina has to be appetizing, how you know this is upon you. You have to be a houri (read whore), chaste, pure, and non-menstruating. It is a requirement if you want to have sexual healing, it is written in the Quran in Surat Al-Wāqi`ah 56:22 – 23 and the Hadith.

The subtext is, you will join a harem of 72 virgins in heaven where you will have eternal life sex life  with terrorists whose erections don’t go limp on you when you are about to scream your head off. The erection is eternal, just like the brainwashing they get at Masjid Musa mosque and others. Now you are armed with the truth which is, sadly, known to very few, the chosen few.

The reason I’m telling you this is because you too can have jannah here on earth. Just join me. There is a training ground in California Nairobi. The National Intelligence Service and the military intelligence nincompoops are still focusing on Eastleigh. Little Mogadishu is for armatures, like Al-Shabaab. Well, al-Shabaab are armatures. ISIS is the real deal. Al-Shabaab just want to hurl grenades at people in church and kill girls who could be their heaven here on earth, but ISIS Mujahedeen are focused. They are claiming territories to conquer the whole world. Islamic State in Iraq and Syria now includes the Levant, ISIL, and soon it will be the world, Islamic State in Iraq and the Word, ISIW. They are merciless, crude, and ruthless, surely they will go to heaven, right? The thought of them killing the infidels so they can have a taste of me in heaven for eternity is orgasmic.

I want to go to heaven with the mujahedeen, whom Al-Kafirun call terrorists. Since I’m a nympho, I will have an eternity of sex, that’s the good news. The bad news is that I will have to queue for 72 minutes, or hours, days, weeks, months, or even years before my turn.

But well, I have a way out. I joined the ISIS while on earth so that I may have my share of the terrorists before I go to jannah and start queueing. And, we women are inherently jealous. Wouldn’t the first virgin to be shagged want to keep the terrorist to herself? I’m foreseeing a lot of catfights, hair-pulling and name-calling over there. Or if the first virgin won’t be so jealous, the second one may be from Nyeri and she chop off the terrorist’s manhood. What would happen to the 70 others whom we would be waiting for our turn?

See, I don’t justify why I joined the ISIS to be their jihad whore, but I am the 73^rd Virgin, the one who is not talked about, and perhaps will never be talked about, the one who is logical, the one who knows that the 72 houri story is a hoax, and the one who will never suicide-bomb herself because if they send me to do it I will run to Boko Haram, or end up with the armature al-Shabaab before taking advantage of the Kenya government amnesty even if the grace period expired. 

Photo | twitter.com